|second last entry and the longest
||[Jan. 22nd, 2010|12:26 am]
last october, i was told to fuck off. for 2 months, i put on fake smiles for everyone, i tried to ignore my heart when it brought back the memories, but result to letting the tears came as freely.
in the bus, at work, before i slept, in the company of friends, they escaped, they lingered.
but when i chose to think about the ups and downs, the could-have-happen things, i get this sickness in my tummy. i felt nausea, i shivered and i screamed without any sounds. i hate the feeling, but i kept letting myself think about the 8 months and giving my body that unnecessary sickness. i knew i would make it, until my heart interfered yet again.
and i made another mistake. again.
it was supposed to be a random text, just sharing how i was doing. but it was taken wrongly as a reunion thing, and we started another depressing chapter. i let you in, but honestly, i was already out. my cup was actually half full and it was perfect in a way, but that remaining amount was drained out, and i was suddenly in again.
fights. arguments. misunderstanding.
we denied ourselves. did we deny of how inevitable our love was? did we deny of how hurt we both were?
"boyfriend/girlfriend is just a status, what matters is what the heart feels"
how can one be the goddess of one's heart, when the latter couldn't forgive the mistakes the first did?
when one is hurt, one looks for things to replace the sadness and the anger. people do that in gazillion ways, and this one did, by letting out the anger and sadness, by approaching others for listening ear and comfort.
though some approach alcohols, drugs, or plainly fighting against their brains and hearts, and block the problems away, and come back to it another time.
i was out not because i didn't love you anymore.
i was out because i thought you didn't want me anymore, you wanted her instead.
i was out because like you, i was tired of being in a relationship. i've never stopped and am still not stopping, caring and loving you.
just that this time, i'm doing it a different way.
when you love someone, you take them as who they are, you forgive their mistakes, you move up and forward together, you help each other for the better, you work things out, you fight and kiss. basically, you don't let go of each other no matter what the situations and consequences are.
my longest post ever!
maybe you are doing better than last time.
i lied, i'm not doing well so far.
and i regret, when i looked at my wrist today.
and so, my feelings are hanging yet again. goodnight world..
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